Sunday, November 28, 2004

Pop Jihad!
Band Aid 20 stars unite in call for armed struggle in Darfur.

There were emotional scenes today as top popstars from the British music industry came together to record a new version of "Do They Know it Christmas (death to the theocratic regime)".
"One thing has become clear, dead Janjaweed don't rape", said top female popster Dido, known for her easygoing female-oriented post-modern danced infused AOR songs such as "Thank You" and "Life for Rent", which have become favourite soundtracks in chain retailers such as Ikea and Gap.
Referring to the armed Arab Militias accused of committing atrocities in the Darfur region as "Murderous Islamo-fascist Cunts", the singer then pointed to fellow popstars Will Young and Lemar, who were planning to fly out to the war-torn region in the near future to institute training camps to train the Black African peoples of the southern Sudan in guerilla warfare techniques "What we need", said Pop Idol winner Young, "Is a black Jihad. If my help in setting up more effective means of armed struggle for the peoples of Sudan have any success in slaughtering bands of armed thugs, then me Bredren Lemar and I and I will have fulfilled our civic duties as human beings from the beautiful land of our forefathers birth.
Comrade Lemar then spoke eloquently of the desire to end the 'Black-on-Black' violence of street gangs in South London and unite them in combatting the genocide currently being alleged in the area. Singer Lemar, whose most recent single "If There's any Justice" was a poignant plea for self determination of the West Saharan peoples of Morocco to a musical accompaniment reminiscent of "Would I Lie to You" by Charles & Eddie, then commented that he 'wouldn't be surprised' if the recently publicised peace talks between the Sudanese government and the Sudanese Liberation Army (SLA) were another stalling measure by the government enabling the military to continue with their genocidal policies against the black African communities in the area, and that, intriguingly, 'it was only a matter of time' before the centres of power in the North of the troubled country 'came to know the horrors of suicide bombing and devastation they have inflicted on others, such is the way of things'.

The comments came in response to recent criticisms of the Band Aid 20 by listeners, charity workers and virtually all of the music buying public, whose general concensus was that the venture was a mish-mash of musical styles aiming to appeal to everyone and yet pleasing no-one, and worse, that the lyrics were mawkish bordering on the offensive and over-simplified the problems of debt, poverty, financial mismanagement, corruption, disease and natural disaster in the continent into sentiments over Christmas designed to induce guilt rather than awareness in buyers and smug self satisfaction in those involved in the recording.
"Yes, Yes, that would have been the case if we were only doing this to raise money for Band Aid" Stormed former S Club Seven singer Rachel Stevens, "Of course you're only going to get over-earnest wankers like Bono and the insufferable Chris Martin emoting badly if the money is just going to go for Band Aid", replied the pop temptress, "I mean, look at that fucking turncoat Martin, now the little shit is trying backpedal furiously now saying that he thinks its a bad idea, but that's coz he's a snivelling little chickenshit who's never seen hardcore action in the field. I half expected him, with his clenching desire for beatification, to be one of those who was the first to be oh-so-caring and angst-ridden at first, even in the first tranche to sign up for the recording of Band Aid 20, and then come over all Pussy when he realises his precious reputation as an allegedly serious artiste who's read Noam bastard Chomsky gets compromised when he gets associated with the likes of Robbie Williams (estimated Net worth, £80 Million). Admittedly, Williams is a cunt, but his experiences in fighting with the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda in the early 90's with Take That provided valuable insight into what myself and sister Jamelia will need to watch for when we start running radical feminist teach-ins for the mums and little kiddies in the refugee camps".
Jamelia, who signed a £250,000 sponsorship deal with Reebok the day after the recording, then commented that if 'Che were still with us', Martin would have been ritually disembowelled as a traitor to the people, and that the Sportswear manufacturer had kindly agreed to provide free trainers and casual sportingwear to the armed resistance fighters who would soon be unleashed upon the Arab Militia men.
The revelations come in the aftermath of organiser Bob Geldworfs decision to finally allow MOR Irish Boy Band Westlife to finally perform the song. Geldworfs initial reluctance, hilariously thought to be because they were 'too commercial' and so might end up selling too many versions of Midge Ure's 1984 song, (whereas those invited to perform were felt to be able to give a deeper sense of feeling to "Put your arms around the world at Christmastime" and "The Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom"), was greeted warmly by Young, "The Bhoys know what they're talking about", said the wide faced crooner, who mysteriously mentioned that their 'friends in Colombia and the homeland' would produce 'FAARCing great results'.

The single is released on 29th November.